


Memoirs From Another World! (TM because screw you) [My Attempt at Original Fiction]

by Crazyscientist85



Category: Original Work
Genre: Action/Adventure, Comedy, Gen, Original Character(s), Original Fiction, Original Universe, Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-22
Updated: 2020-04-22
Packaged: 2021-03-01 17:41:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,396
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23790994
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Crazyscientist85/pseuds/Crazyscientist85
Summary: Congratulations! You dug out this worthless pile of books! High five! Open a bottle of wine or two! ...How did you find them, by the way? Well, they are yours now. Might as well read them. See ya around.





	Memoirs From Another World! (TM because screw you) [My Attempt at Original Fiction]

If you are reading this, first of all, fuck you for digging this book out of the dirt that was supposed to keep it hidden.

No, seriously, fuck you. I actually hope you get AIDS.

IGNORE EVERYTHING THAT WAS WRITTEN ABOVE. ~ B.

But hey, if you went through so much trouble just to find these books, then I guess you earned the right to claim their contents. Though I have to warn you; everything you read is 100% factual. The author is legit the one you read on the cover of the books. This is not a fake in any way, shape or form.

ALSO BECAUSE WE WENT THROUGH THE TROUBLE OF FINDING AN ENCHANTED BOOK WHERE HE CANNOT WRITE LIES EVEN IF HE WANTS TO. AND YOU CAN BET YOUR ASS THAT HE HAS A LOT TO LIE ABOUT. DAMN, ITS REALLY HARD TO WRITE BETWEEN PARAGRAPHS WITH THIS SHITTY INVISIBLE INK. ~ B.

This book, along with the other books you found inside that chest, represents my "exciting adventures" and "wholesome experiences" that I had in this world, which is not my own. I have no idea who you might be, nor do I care. I certainly hope you are from another world, just like me. Why?

Because any kind of adventure you could hope to have in this world was already stolen be me, so suck it!

NO, ITS BECAUSE HE HAS A BAD HABIT OF FUCKING UP EVERYTHING. ~ B.

There is another reason why, though. Its because I really, really, _really_ hope I'm not the unluckiest man in the universe.

Also, what did you hope to find by uncovering my memoirs? I didn't hide any treasure maps, nor will you find clues to some super secret OP weapons. So why then? What is your purpose? Be sure to have this question in mind when you see me around, if I don't die sooner that is, because then it really won't matter.

I guess I should start with the story. Fine.

VOLUME 1: CHAPTER 1 – FUCK ME SIDEWAYS, I'M TRAPPED IN ANOTHER WORLD!

One of the questions you probably have in your thoughts is: "Gee, author, if you are from another world, then how did you fall into this one?" I don't want to talk about it.

HE ONCE SAID HE CAME HERE WHEN HE ACCIDENTALLY SLIPPED ON SOME TILES IN HIS BATHROOM, DROPPING HIS "HAIR DRYER" INTO WATER, KILLING HIMSELF. ~ B.

HAHA! THAT IS FUNNY! ~ T.

WHAT THE-? WHO LET YOU WRITE HERE?! ~ B.

YOU FORGOT TO HIDE YOUR INK AND PLUME, OLD PERVERT. THAT'S FOR TRYING TO SNIFF MY PANTIES THE OTHER NIGHT. ~ T.

WHY, YOU LITTLE - ! YOU KNOW THAT IS NOT TRUE! ~ B.

However, there is something I need to write down, just in case you had the same experience. I was in this dark, empty space. In front of me, I saw a weird sword stuck in some stones. When I saw it, I heard a whisper.

"Go find the sword and defeat the Demon Lord, oh chosen one."

What the hell, I thought to myself. What a cliché way of starting a story. It's almost as if I was in the middle of an isekai manga. Please don't read the previous sentence out loud. My corpse might roll over in its grave from embarrassment. Yes, I read manga, so what!? I like reading, leave me alone.

"Wait a minute."

But whatever that was there didn't wait a minute, for my ass got thrown into a world far different from my own. And I was fucking naked! In the middle of the road!

WOULD IT KILL YOU TO BE MORE DESCRIPTIVE? ~ B.

EW! I DIDN'T KNOW YOU SWING THAT WAY! ~ T.

IDIOT, WHAT DID YOU UNDERSTAND?! AND STOP STEALING MY WRITING SPACE! ~ B.

It took me a few moments for my brain to process what just happened. Until then, the women that passed by started screaming "pervert" and "guards", so I had to hide in an alleyway. I got really pissed off when someone yelled "naked fatty", even though I barely had a stomach.

FATTY FAT FAT! ~ T.

So what could I do? I was naked, in a place I didn't know, completely alone. I remember hiding behind a dumpster when I got a mild mental breakdown, screaming like a moron right when a pair of kids were nearby. They were probably traumatized, because I heard them yelling how the garbage became alive, which only made me angrier.

"Okay, first order of business; find some clothes."

I waited for when the street was clear of people, so that I could get out like a rat from its hole, cursing myself and everything else whenever my feet stepped on pebbles. Man, fuck LEGO bricks, pebbles hurt even more.

Hiding in another alleyway, I came across a dirty old hobo that hid from the sunlight, sleeping on some stained blankets. He was surrounded by empty bottles. I went closer, eyeing his clothes. Sure, they smelled of dead fish, but I was sure that his oversized cape would come in handy, and those trousers that had holes for pockets, and that jacket that had seen better days, and-

He opened his eyes and stared at me.

I stared back.

We refused to budge.

"S-s-sexual hara-"

"You fucking wish!"

I whacked his head off with a bottle. He want back to sleep, only with a bit more brain on the side of his head. Fearing that someone might have seen me assaulting a homeless person completely naked, I stole the cloak and ran away.

Pieces of the puzzle came together as I walked down the street, drawing looks of men, women and children alike. Wasting my time reading fantasy novels and manga was finally worth the effort. Why, I happened to be the hero of my own story! It was mind blowing!

I immediately began formulating scenarios in my head. Was in a RPG fanatasyland? What if I was OP? Maybe somebody will fuck me over and then I will have to rise from hell and become a hero? As thoughts built one on top of the other, making me more and more euphoric, I came to the conclusion that the only way I could know my destiny was to take a good look at the place I was thrown in.

Let's see, I thought. Medieval-looking houses that smelled of shit and piss? Check. Clothes nobody with common sense would wear? Check. Talentless street performers? Check.

Conclusion: I was in a world stuck in the medieval age.

A world stuck in the medieval age meant guilds. Guilds meant quests. Quests meant adventurers.

Conclusion number two: I had to find a guild.

I remember how excited I was. What a time to be alive. My boring life could become exciting in a blink of an eye. I would probably form my personal harem or maybe find lifelong friends. Those were a luxury nowadays. Got so excited that some ladies that sat on a bench looked at me as if I were mentally ill. I flipped them off under my cloak and moved on.

Had to ask a few people about directions. How convenient! They even spoke English, though the accents were all over the place. And they were nice too. I was going with the story that I was an adventurer from lands far away and that I wished to rest at the nearby tavern or guild, whichever was easier to find. Turns out that the city, Silverhall I learned, had a mixture of both, called "The Golden Sword" which wasn't very far. The name alone set off red flags. Everybody knew that gold was worthless in Minecraft.

MINE-WHAT NOW? ~ T.

But this wasn't Minecraft and neither was a videogame, at least it didn't feel like it. It was real. This world was as real as mine, which raised a whole bunch of questions in my head as I headed to the Golden Sword. Assuming I didn't go to another planet, or even galaxy, I could conclude that this was a parallel universe, probably one among many, maybe even an infinite number of them. It hit me in the head: everything I had? Everything I cherished? I left it all behind! I fucking left it behind!

How to describe the existential crisis I had, apart from sobbing for who-know-how-long in some dark corner hidden from the rest of the world? I left my life behind without a warning. A school I had to finish, books I had yet to read, games I had yet to play, food that needed to be eaten... Worse, my education? It probably didn't mean shit in this world! Not only I was naked, I was probably illiterate by this world's standards too!

It was as if someone hit a reset button on my life.

What was I supposed to do? Kill myself? Would that bring me back? Or I would be taken for a ride in a world even more fucked up than this one? Was I really supposed to be an adventurer? Yea, how about no. I'm not stupid. I know what adventures are. They are scary, monster-ridden death traps that had no guarantee of bringing any kind of worth whatsoever!

Just like that, I developed a hatred for this world, for its people, and for everything it represented. Someone wanted me to save the world? Fuck that, I'll burn it instead. Yes, I would be the type of person who just wants to watch the world burn. In the most chaotic, unpredictable, and insane way possible. I had nothing to loose anyways. With that conviction, I entered the Golden Sword.

Holy fuck, the smell.

No sources available ever warned me of the smell that I had to endure in such a place. Don't get me wrong. It wasn't really bad. The building was nothing too flashy, and the interior looked nice, as much as a medieval-fantasy setting could anyway. But fucking hell, the smell of sweat and alcohol that came from every damn table filled with people was disgusting as fuck. Did these degenerate cock salads knew what soap was? Or water for that matter? Only a brap-fetishist could survive more than half an hour in that hellhole.

Not wanting to waste more time than I had to, I went towards the counter.

"Hello! Welcome to The Golden Sword! How may I help you?"

A blonde girl asked me nicely. Plump where it mattered. A beautiful flower in a field of shit.

"Oh heavens have forsaken me!" I began, "Dear lady, I am a traveler that came from distant lands in search of riches and excitement, looking for people willing to form a party with me. I walked down the road when, oh my, a group of bandits hit me in the head and robbed me of my possessions, including my identity documents! Can you please help me?!"

Pretty Blonde replied, not leaving her smile.

"Sure, please follow me to the Job-O-Matic 9000."

"Job-O-Matic 9000?"

"Why, yes. Our local inventor community asked us to install a copy of the machine they created to see if it is of use or not. Apparently it will remove a lot of red tape, should it turn out to be a success."

"I see."

It looked like a slot machine with a tiny console and a "screen" that resembled blinds with painted words and letters, with a hint of steampunk in there, but otherwise nothing special. Pretty Blonde told me to put my right hand in a fissure on the console.. The machine buzzed, its voicebox spoke.

"Greetings, adventurer! The Silverhall Inventor Community is proud to present to you the new Job-O-Matic 9000; a wonder of magic and metal that is happy to provide assistance to all the adventurers our world can provide! Please wait until this unit reads your palm."

"Wow. Not bad." I replied, half-amused. Pretty Blonde looked genuinely happy. What an angel this girl was.

"Palm-reading complete! Job-O-Matic 9000 will now contact the Royal Adventurer Bureau so that it could print a copy of your Skillbook... Error! Palm does not match with any known data."

"Huh, weird." I lied, hoping that the girl didn't suspect me or my story.

"How strange... maybe we should print new documents?... Okay, press that blue button and begin from scratch. I apologize for the inconvenience."

"Heh, no problem, no problem..."

I did as she told me. The machine buzzed again, displaying symbols I couldn't read, before it spoke again.

"This unit will now create your new Skillbook. Make sure to keep it safe at all times, for it contains all important information about your, such as your name, age, job, and stats. We will now begin with your stats."

I sighed, absorbing that little information I got. Anything that could help me fucking up the world.

"... Strength... Ha!"

Wait, what's with the "Ha!"? Why did this thing say "Ha!"?

"Sorry, but I have seen pickles stronger than you. Can you wield a sword properly without breaking your fingers? At least loose some weight, fatass!"

Pretty Blonde put a hand on her mouth, staring at the machine in utter shock. I, on the other hand, tried to remain calm. There was no way I was going to show any signs of anger in front of this chick.

"... Dexterity... wow. Not only you are a fatass, your fingers are shit too. I wouldn't want to be your girlfriend. Poor girl, she probably must please herself with a stick-"

Well, I was dexterous enough to kick the piece of shit "invention" with my leg, which earned me quite a lot of glances, and a lot more attention. It won. I screwed myself over. Everyone was going to hear whatever smartass thing it had to say next.

"... Intelligence... Huh, at least one quality that justifies your existence. Although, can you really be happy with the fact that you are not sexually identifying as sponge, you mentally-challenged monkey?"

I ALWAYS KNEW THAT THING WORKED WELL. ~ B.

At this point I was throwing a tanturm, screaming and punching the machine with the ferocity of a psychopath. It got so bad that some beefcake nobodies had to restrain me. Unfortunately, one of them just had to remove my cloak, exposing my nudity for the whole place to see. Needless to say, I got thrown out.

...I really wanted to die.


End file.
